Tools explained ~ Thursday 13 +2 bonus

I received these in an email and thought I'd offer them up in honor of almost being done with this house. Many of these truly apply to hubby and this house! Especially the last one!

  1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
  2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh --'
  3. SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
  4. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
  5. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
  6. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
  7. VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
  8. TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
  9. BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
  10. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
  11. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
  12. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
  13. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
  14. UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
  15. Son of a b*tch TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

12 comments:

Kristen said...

I am so glad for you that the house is finished. What a relief after so many adventures. Thanks for the chuckle of #15.

Lass said...

Alternate definition for "hammer" -- the tool guaranteed to split your heel open the second you lay it on the ground and make any step...even one AWAY from it.

Not that I would know that first hand or anything. Twice.

kandyblossom said...

LOL about the last one! We have lots of those here.

Happy TT!

i beati said...

oh that sweet face above what a beauty !!sandy

CountryDew said...

That was funny! I hope the building is now complete!

Adelle Laudan said...

This lists reminds me, for the first time in my life, I want tools for Christmas LOL Now that I'm a single Mom, using a bread knife as a screwdriver just doesn't cut it lol

Happy T13!

Janet said...

Love your new blog design!!!

Alice Audrey said...

LOL #13. To my credit I've only ever done that once or twice. And yes, it was the next tool I needed.

Kaytee said...

Very funny!!!

She Became A Butterfly said...

hilarious!!! haha. ps, i love the pup in your layout!!!!

she
www.shebecameabutterfly.net

Calico Crazy said...

I always get some many chances to laugh on my Thursday 13 rounds, but you win the prize today. I'm still laughing and printing out the list to share with my mother!

Calico Contemplations

Americanising Desi said...

my o my what handy tools :D

13 for my 27